What if sexual wellness wasn’t just about intimacy, but a profound journey toward self-discovery and connection? 

 In this episode, Seema Anand, a renowned storyteller and Kama Sutra expert, reveals how understanding our desires can transform relationships and unlock deeper personal growth. She blends ancient wisdom with modern insights to help us break free from taboos and rediscover intimacy in a whole new light.

Enjoy The Transcript

Seema: Sex is not really easy. It's work. It is hard work. It could be very pleasurable. But it isn't for everybody.

Ryan: Getting into sex is one thing that people don't want to discuss when they're in their younger years. And I'm talking about in their twenties to thirties. They don't want also people to know that they are not sexually

Seema: active.

Most people when they have sex, they will go straight into a kiss, and you have a short foreplay, and then it's beneficial.

Ryan: I'm home! Babe? Ah. Mmm. Mmm. But there's another part which is cheating. What drives people and the pleasure that they get behind it?

Seema: What exactly is cheating? Thinking of somebody, is that cheating?

Flirting with somebody, is that cheating? Looking at other people online who you think are hot, is that cheating? So there was a time when, I know when I was in college, said thing was, but so long as you didn't have sex with the other person, you have not cheated. But, I think cheating is

Ryan: Seema, what can couples do to reignite this lack of intimacy or decline in their life?

Seema: So I always say that if you are trying to reignite the spark, if you're trying to get back together, the first thing according to the council before you start anything is join.

Ryan: What if sexual wellness wasn't just about intimacy, but a profound journey towards your self discovery and connection. In this captivating conversation, we are joined by the beautiful.

Seema Anand, a celebrated storyteller and authority on ancient narratives of pleasure and intimacy, drawing from the timeless wisdom of the Kama Sutra and blending it with modern insights. Seema unpacks how understanding our desires can transform not just relationships, but our entire approach to well being.

This episode isn't just about intimacy. It's about unlocking a deeper understanding of yourself and your relationships. If you have ever felt held back by taboos, curious about ancient wisdom, or eager to reignite connections in your life, Then this conversation is one you can't afford to miss. Ready to challenge everything you thought you knew about intimacy?

Then this episode on my podcast is for you. Don't miss it. I enjoyed it thoroughly.

With blessings from the good lord and the universe and every karma out there. It's going to be an awesome podcast today. You know what? Many podcasts I've done many of them with many guests. Today, I'm a tad bit, little bit nervous because I'm joined by a very astute lady, a very beautiful lady and a lady who talks about a subject that even I, as a health counselor, sometimes squirm about in the counseling room.

When my clients ask me, Ryan, How can we get better in our sexual health, well being in our sex life? And you know what I thought, Ryan Fernando, you're a great nutritionist, but you need help out there from experts who talk about this. Today I'm joined by a brilliant person and she has written a book called The Arts of Seduction.

And it takes a lot of play from the Kama Sutra. So it got me intrigued and my team and me thought, Hey Ryan, let's get some information for the millions of fans that follow us and break this down. So without further ado and with a little bit of sweat under my collar, I want to welcome the beautiful Seema Seema.

How are you doing?

Seema: I'm good. Thank you Ryan. And thank you for having me on your podcast. So.

Ryan: You are known as a storyteller, Seema, and before I start with whatever, you know, we have framed as questions and the straight jacket Thai person that I am, stiff person that I am, how did you get into this art of seduction?

What was your journey and where did you start?

Seema: So, as you said, I'm a storyteller and I work with primarily with women's narratives. So how we tell stories, stories are very, very powerful. It's the most powerful tool of influence that we have. And the stories that we tell actually define us. They define our identity.

They define how we are perceived in society. And so for the longest time, I worked with female narratives, you know, through the stories that we tell. And then I got to a point where I realized we never tell stories of a woman's right to her own body. Her body is always somebody else's property. It's her pleasure needs somebody else's permission.

And so I went looking for these stories that we had shut down. And that was 24 years ago, about 24, 25 years ago, and I thought, okay, I'll do a short paper on this and move on. But 24 years on, I'm still in the subject because as I got into it, I discovered how vast and amazingly beautiful a subject it is and how complex and hidden it is.

So that's the background of starting. So

Ryan: Seema. You are going to be talking about wellness, a specific wellness in the department of sexual health. Now, obviously, we are known for eons and centuries of the most ancient book of love called the Kama Sutra. Two very stupid questions from a nutritionist. One, what is the Kama Sutra?

And why did you select the Kama Sutra as part of your storytelling narrative and association with ancient Indian culture?

Seema: So, the Kama Sutra is actually a text that was written in, we think, around perhaps the third or fourth century. It is a book that was written for men. So this is a time when women were not taught how to read or write.

So the book was written.

Ryan: It's a book written for the men.

Seema: For

Ryan: men. Wow, I should be reading it now.

Seema: You should, definitely. So, it was written for men of leisure, men of wealth, because those are the only people, if you go back 2, 000 years ago, those are the people who were being educated. And the book basically focuses on how A man of wealth and leisure can live his best life when it comes to relationships.

So the book is written in seven sections. The first section is on how to build your house, how to decorate your house you know, all the different things that you should be doing as a young man of leisure. So, like, how many hours you should be massaged before you have a bath. How many hours you should speak to your pet minor birds, which is two or three hours by the way, every single day.

And so on. So, that's the first section. The second section is about the arts of pleasure, which is what we are going to be talking about. The third section is on how to look for the ideal wife, like what makes the perfect wife. Including weird and wonderful things like if her name ends with a r or a l, don't marry her, she will not make a good wife, and all sorts of other weird things like that.

In section four, it tells you how to marry this person. So, how do you get her to fall in love with you? How do you send her these messages? Who do you trust with these messages? And so on. So we did not come from a society where they said, Okay, your parents have picked the right person for you, now you will only meet on the day of your marriage.

That's not how it worked. Section 5 was on how to seduce another man's wife. And it was all about politics because if her husband was important and powerful and you needed to get to him, you went through the wife. Section six was on courtesans, the rules around sex work within the community because the Arthashastra written by Chanakya, Chanakya, which is written at the same time as the Kamsutra, Chanakya had legalized prostitution within the kingdom.

And he had actually set up a ministry for this and there were rules and laws around it. So, section six talks about the rules and laws around courtesans, around sex workers, around the kingdom. And section seven is about magic lotions and potions. So, that's the that's the Kama Sutra. And section two, which is the bit on pleasure, is really the only thing that is That makes sense for us today.

The rest of it is a brilliant historical insight. into what society was like at that point. But really, it doesn't really resonate with anything that we do today. You know, how you build your house talking to minor birds for three hours in the day. So yeah, to me, Section 2 is And incidentally, what's interesting is that Section 2 is the only one where Vatsyayan actually gives instructions to men and women both.

Vatsyayan being the author of the Kama Sutra. And he says in his introduction that people say to me, Why are you giving women instructions in your in your treaties? I mean, why are you telling them what to do? Women don't understand anything on science. The Kamsa Sutra was written as a scientific treatise.

And he says, he says, people say to me, oh, women don't understand anything on science. Why would you want to tell them all this? And he says, well, one is it's a two way thing, intimacy. Two is that women understand this. intrinsically, men have to be taught. So it is actually spoken to both. So that is in short the background on the Kama Sutra.

Ryan: Wow. You know, I, I heard the seventh part, which was the potions and the lotions. And, you know, in today's day of. wellness and well being. As a nutritionist, when I counsel people, we go through right from the head to toe. We talk about when they were born, what they see section what do they eat? What time do they go to sleep?

What are the likes, dislikes? Does the liver work well? And I actually go from the top of the head down to the toes and ask everything with relationship to the human construct of that person and how they like. their food or the environment. But one part, and I'm guilty of this, which is I'm talking about the sexual wellness of a person and how do we conduct ourselves and what should we demand from the happiness or the joy or the endorphins released.

So what happens in my counseling is there's always this end question, which is, can you tell me which powder pill or lotion can enhance my bedroom performance? Because as a sports nutritionist, obviously I make athletes win Olympic medals and most sports athletes I have libidos that are really high, but then I also get the, the, the celebrities that come to me.

I also get the common CEOs and CFOs and the ladies who run companies and they are asking this question. Can you give me the powders, pills and lotions that are out there? And sometimes I think I'm really smart and I think there is a solution, a power pill. But when I read your book, I realized that. I think the intimacy and the communication build something.

So Seema, why do you think it's crucial to integrate sexual wellness into our mainstream health discussions?

Seema: Well, if you look at the ancient Indian tenants the ancient Hindu tenants, which say that life is based on three pillars, three equal pillars, Dharm, Arth, Kama, your social, your mental, and your emotional well being.

And it doesn't say that Kama, You know, that your emotional well being, your intimate well being, is less of a pillar. It says that these are three equal pillars. And this is what takes you to moksha. This is what takes you to the ideal higher consciousness. It's what helps you to live your best life. And so I think that this idea that this is something that we don't need to worry about is just such a daft idea.

I mean, it is such a huge part of our lives. As you know, being a nutritionist, being in the health space, you know that lovely old song the ankle bone is connected to the shin bone, the shin bone's connected to the knee bone, everything is linked.

Ryan: It's connected.

Seema: Everything has an impact on the next thing.

So if we actually do not take care of our sexual health, it definitely impacts our mental health. And the moment something impacts your mental health, because we have a million questions that we worry about. We're never taught about the way that our emotions can impact us. If I look at somebody and I feel really aroused by them, a lot of people end up feeling super guilty about the fact that, Oh my God, I already have a partner, but I'm being attracted to somebody else.

And all you're saying to them is it happens, it's not a big deal, that's part of the human existence. Or you're feeling really stressed, you're feeling unhappy, and then suddenly you find you cannot get an erection. And then the next thing you're thinking, oh my god, is something wrong with me? You're judging yourself.

Then your partner is judging you. You know, the backlash is incredible. We are not taught about our emotions and that impacts our mental health. And whatever impacts our mental health is going to impact your physical health.

Ryan: So I hear you over here and you know, you Talk about this on your Instagram profile really beautifully you get these small snippets of questions coming in from the general public and you answer them and and kudos to you, you know to having the The wisdom the sagely wisdom and the gumption to talk about it many of us prunes as I would call it if you had to align what are the top Common sex health issues that are coming across on conversations to you.

What would you say they are?

Seema: Okay, so first of all, no, you're absolutely nobody out there is a fool. Unfortunately, if you have never been taught anything, plus there's been this super imposition of the fact that this is a bad thing. It's a sinful thing. It's you should feel guilty about it. This is something that you should feel horrible about.

We are not even going to want to learn about it. So that's the problem, unfortunately. Now we have two strains of what is coming through. When I first started my, my work, I would get questions mostly from men, and they were mostly around erectile dysfunction, or how long can I last in bed? You know, a simple, single sentence.

emails or messages. Over time, I find that this is actually grown where now I have slightly larger percentage of women that follow me. Women write generally longer questions and they give more detail about what's going on. But I also find that this is coming in from a lot of the other genders. So the guys write in longer questions, the you know, everybody else is basically now starting to put more.

conscious thought into what they're asking. We still get a lot of people writing in about sexless relationships. My wife doesn't want this, my husband doesn't want it, my boyfriend, my girlfriend. to the point where even people saying, I am meeting somebody on a dating site, I'm meeting somebody through an arranged marriage set up, how do I check whether that person is interested in intimacy as something that we will have for the rest of our lives, not just for children.

So I think the fear of going into a sexless relationship, because unfortunately there is a lot of fear. Sexless relationships out there right now. So this is definitely one of the main things that people write in about. But what I find interesting is the The variations that are coming in. So I get a lot of people saying my partner is absolutely addicted to porn.

Sometimes even watches porn while we have sex. How do I deal with this? Because it's really bothering me. And it's also ruining our sex life. You have other people who write in and say, My partner is more So this actually comes in a lot from women, who write in and say, My husband is more attracted to trans people.

And is more interested in having sex with a transgender person rather than with me. How do I deal with this? Or, a lot of people now writing in and saying that they want to try cuckolding. Or they want to open up their relationship to bring a third person into it. How do we deal with this? Because some are comfortable, some will, will explore it.

And others are super uncomfortable about it. But the shift that I'm seeing is that a lot of people now are talking about consent. and the deeper idea of what consent means to them. So it's not just a straightforward yes or no, but how in the in the coming together, how boundaries are being broken and how consent is being broken.

And is this okay? Am I all right to put this boundary? So there's this worry because that's again something we've never been taught. The one thing that is a huge issue in sexual health and people are still not talking about it enough is the problem of STIs. There's a lot of sexually transmitted infection within the community now.

We're at the highest point of STIs. The world is at the highest point of STIs than it has ever been before. And I still don't get enough people writing in questions about that.

Ryan: I think it's it's more from a taboo point of view. You don't want to let anyone know that you have an infection. Because then society will kind of.

or anybody that you're telling will judge you for the fact that you are infected and people's mind tends to wander, like why did they get that infection? Are they promiscuous? Who is the person? And I do face that even in my nutrition counseling room wherein literally, Seema, what happens is that I always have a co dietitian sitting with me in the room and then the client, and this is mostly the men, will say, can I talk to Mr.

Fernando privately? And the moment they say that, I know it's going in the bedroom department and then people will open up. But I have to prompt them and ask them, have you had any infections? Have you got yourself tested for any of the syphilis or viral infections of God forbid even HIV? And I, I do agree with you on this point that And people at the one end of the spectrum are not talking about it.

But on the other end of the spectrum is everyone's very mum about it because in this getting into sex is one thing that people don't want to discuss because they're like when they're in their younger years, and I'm talking about in their 20s to 30s, they don't want also people to know that they are not sexually active.

So we have both ends of the spectrum. If somebody has an infection and somebody is just too mum about it because they don't want to talk about it. I like the thought that you were talking about consent and couples. And so I want to stick with couples because I do get a lot of couples that come into the man and woman wanting to do a body transformation.

Or just recently I had a guy getting married and he wanted to, like, lose weight and so we got him, like, really in shape. 14 kgs down, fat lost and all and he's like, I'm getting married and all. So he called me up and he said, Ryan I've taken Viagra before. Is there anything else besides Viagra? I'm like, this is going to be your suhagrat.

This lady is meeting you for the first time. You've had a conversation on phone and met her five, six times. I don't think she's looking for a full marathon at this point in your life. So I'm jumping the gun on the sequence of our questions, but you know, women go through traumatic times in the first part of their marriage because they're having certain expectations of how their night in shining armor should be.

And we, the men think that we've got to perform 16 times that night and be ready to go again next morning. But that's. Complete gap. So one part is let's talk about the newly married couples. What's your advice for them? As they're dating each other and then they get into the marriage and then we'll talk about the couples who have this kind of tired Life working all the time and what I call is too tired to have sex So let's go with the first one.

My friend who's just got married wants to take Viagra and wham bam Thank you, ma'am his wife to the moon kind of thing. So your your thoughts on this?

Seema: So interestingly, the Kamsutra actually says that you should never have sex on your, the first night of your marriage. Sorry, please repeat

Ryan: that again. So, so millions, maybe billions of people will hear this and they understand it correctly.

Seema: Yes, let's repeat it and repeat it slowly. The Kamsutra actually says, particularly if you don't know the woman very well, particularly if this is her first partner, you are her first partner. The first night is not when you have sex. So it says that either you wait three nights, six nights, or nine nights before you actually do this.

Now, the reason for three, six, and nine, I think it's you know, like in coaching when you ask somebody give me three reasons why you're not doing this, or give me three ways that you're going to take this forward. I think it's just so that you break that barrier of somebody saying Oh, I'll start with one and then just stick to one.

And if I fail, I fail. So I think three, six, nine is just a sort of a number sequence that they use. But the idea behind it is you're supposed to wait till the other person is ready. And you get them ready. You, you know, you start with conversations and you start with kissing, you start with all sorts of touching and different forms of intimacy till you become super comfortable with each other.

So the idea is that when you meet somebody, you don't jump in and start trying to have sex. Also because the, okay, the, I think the one thing that a lot of people don't realize is that the genitalia, the sexual organs are not made for just coming together in this way. There isn't just a sort of, you know, the, the male genitalia.

out in front. The female genitalia is between the legs pointing downwards. So you can't just sort of come together. You have to negotiate penetration. You have to place your body in a particular way. You have to understand how to adjust your body so that this happens. You have to understand that.

Initially, maybe penetration is just to the tip, then out again, then again, a little bit further. You need to understand how much lubrication is needed because even if your partner is really, really aroused by you and gets very wet, the moment that they feel a little bit of pain, they're going to dry out immediately.

It's got nothing to do with your ability or your sexiness. Just how the female body, it's how the vagina is made. I'm sorry, I keep saying female body, but we understand that it's not just women who have vaginas. So, the other thing to remember is that vaginas are not a straight tube. There's a little bend to them.

So at penetration you have to negotiate that bend before you can actually penetrate all the way in. And that's not something that can be done by simply going indirectly. You have to learn how to adjust your body so that you can take that bend, because that's where most people feel an incredible amount of pain that then dries up the vagina, that then wants them, that makes them not want to have sex.

It's a sort of vicious cycle. So, I think the biggest thing to do is to remember that you need to use your fingers on your partner before you can even think of penetrating with the penis. You need to get them super comfortable. And I don't just mean super comfortable in the body, but comfortable enough with you emotionally to say, No, that hurts.

Okay, could we try and change it a little bit this way? You know, there's so much more to communication. than simply, I love you. I'm aroused by you. Yes, let's do it. That's not really what we mean by consent or what we mean by by communication. Being aroused is a very complex thing and it comes in many, many stages.

Ryan: And, you know, so this is for my newly married couple. So He and she have to work together on the communication, three, six, nine nights, work it out. You have the whole day too. And I think that's why they call it a honeymoon, right? So you get to know each other rather than honeymoon is a sexual adventure, especially for the guys out there.

It's not like, okay, you've never had sex for 20 years and then suddenly you want to have sex for nine days straight. You got to work at it guys. So listen in closely. Seema's written a brilliant book called The Arts of Seduction. So I highly recommend that you get your hand on a copy and read it. But I wanted to discuss that.

Okay, fine. Let's say these couple discover themselves and millions of people do that. They figure it out together and hopefully we have a lot of happy married newlyweds. Somewhere along the line, this honeymoon period gets over and it gets over very fast in today's day and age because we have distractions.

Whilst you were talking about, you need to talk to your minor bird for two hours. Now, couples are talking to their mobile phones for seven hours a day. They literally, I was recently at a restaurant and my wife and me were just like kind of talking to each other. And We both were looking at our phones.

I'm like, let's put the phones down, right? We hardly get time together. And I saw this new couple on the next and they must have been college or just in first job or whatever. And I was looking at them and I was telling my wife and check them out, right? You know, they're fresh and you know, And then she's like, yeah, they're looking in their phones and they're not interested in each other.

And I think this is happening when I see it in my counseling room. Even with couples that are 30 to 40 years of age, 40 to 50 years of age, so busy, they're experiencing a decline in their intimacy and pornography is not helping in today's world. to rekindle the relationship between a man and a woman. So a lot of my friends, a lot of my colleagues are like, yeah, wife's not giving me sex, so I just jerk off.

Or the woman's like, you know what, my husband's just too tired to give me sex, he's in the office all the time, and he has the hots for this new secretary. You know, you hear this in private locker room conversations. What can couples do to reignite this lack of intimacy or decline in their life?

Seema: So I think the very first thing, Ryan, is that people have to want to do it.

You know, that first thing is that desire to say, I need to fix it. You know, the problem is that

Ryan: Desire to fix it or desire to have sex?

Seema: Both. Whether, like you said, They've kind of lost that spark, so the desire to fix that spark and the desire to have sex. You know, my, my point is always that I'm not trying to get people to, I'm not trying to tell them to have sex.

I want them to want it.

Ryan: So it's more cerebral is what you're saying. If you get it in the brain, the, the, the, the functionality of the physiology just happens at the next step.

Seema: So, because, you know, you can get into this thing of. Well, almost like a fight and say, okay, that's it. You're not giving me sex.

I want it otherwise. And you know, okay, fine. My partner's just going to be so angry and it's just going to lead to unpleasantness. I'll do it for you. You can get that to happen every now and then, but if you really want the other person to want it. with you. You need, there are things that we need to change.

So the first thing is that I think the spark when it comes to your intimate life, the spark tends to die down. And the first thing is, like I said, is to want to reignite that spark. Because if you're like, and I've also had a lot of people like this who say, thank God I never have to have sex again.

Yay! I mean, if you're feeling like that, I'm assuming that your sex life was really, really awful. And, yeah, I don't blame you for not wanting it again. So All I want is that first thing to come from your brain to say, wouldn't it be nice if we could have that intimacy pack? So that's number one. Number two, I find you are absolutely right.

This thing with the phone, with Netflix, with all of this other stuff that you can actually get absorbed in it is really important to get time away from that gadget of yours. It is so much easier to be on that because sex is not really easy. Okay. It's work. It is hard work. Let's be real. Let's be honest.

It could be very pleasurable. It isn't for everybody, but for the people who it is pleasurable for, it is still hard work because you have to make sure that it's pleasurable.

Ryan: I'm smiling. I'm smiling Seema for this because there have been times when my wife and me have been like, we work out really hard, both of us.

Okay. As we go to the gym, stuff, you know, and sometimes we look at each other and we're like you want to do it? She's like, you want to do it? Yeah, I want to do it. But it's just like, there's a lot of work, he's like, yeah, we'll do it on the weekend, right? So we have that, that, that dialogue with us that yes, sex is a lot of work.

One is you're physically fit, but two I think it involves work, which most of us today find the dopamine pleasure release coming faster from a Netflix or God forbid porn when your relationship is not really good, but sorry, I interrupted you. So you're absolutely

Seema: right. I mean, that dopamine fix comes from many different ways, including if you are a working person, when you see results.

at something that you're working on. The kind of dopamine that you get from seeing the result that you wanted work wise is far greater, unfortunately, than most people get during their sexual encounters. Now, I think that for most men, it becomes, and I am generalizing over here, because men and women tend to think of it slightly differently.

So for most men, eventually when that excitement dies down, All they're looking at is, okay, I need this physically. Let's actually get this done because I do need this release. For a lot of women, what they actually want is to feel that excitement from the kiss, from the touch. You know, it's a different way that they get excitement.

And our biggest issue is that When we start off by being together as a couple, we never ever discuss what gives each of us pleasure. We get pleasure in such different ways. It's so

Ryan: true. Wow. One second. Say that again. That's extremely powerful. We never discuss what gives each

Seema: of us pleasure.

Ryan: We never discuss what gives each other pleasure.

That's so true.

Seema: And, you know, it's like I said, I know that for most women, and a lot of women write in and say that the thought of sex is far more exciting than the actual sex. Like that gets them really excited, the thought of sex. But then that's, when you get to the actual sex, it kind of falls by the wayside.

For a lot of men, it is, you know, a certain set. There are some men who are really good about exploring themselves, about being imaginative, and they might go step out and say, I actually quite like pleasure in this way or that way. But for a lot of them, penetration does it for them. And we have such a disconnect between what gives us pleasure that you're never actually going to go forward and Be able to say this was a wonderful experience for both of us if one person is getting the pleasure and then the other person isn't.

Ryan: So I think the emotional connect, the cerebral, working on it, discussing what are the pleasure centers for each person, what they expect from the other person. And I think that requires communication, not Netflix and your phone. And this whole concept of swiping right or left, I think does not replace the art of communication?

Seema: No, absolutely it doesn't. So I always say that if you are trying to reignite the spark, if you're trying to get back together, join an activity, do an activity together, whether you're going to the gym, whether you're doing yoga together, whether you go hiking together, climbing walls, boating, whatever.

But do an activity together where you just learn how to connect with each other, where you learn to talk to each other again, without the pressure of thinking, Oh, I'm trying to build up my connection again, because if you say to people, Okay, go on more date nights, the pressure is immense to think, Oh, my God, I'm going on this date night, it means that I have to be fixing my intimacy.

And I have to talk about this sexually now have to feel this way. I can't. There is just so much pressure and that is just not a good way to start. What you really need is to build up your connection with each other. Go out and do things together. Where you're, you know, because if you're going hiking together, you're not worrying any more about what you're saying, how you're saying it, how you're looking, how you're smiling.

There is no more pressure. Now you're just connecting with each other. And the other thing, very, very important, go out and do stuff with other people and come back and share exciting conversations with your. Because if all you ever do is spend time with each other every single day, you do everything together, you run out of conversation.

You've run out of things to explore or think about. So, you need a life of your own. If nobody else out there in the world is finding you exciting as a conversationalist or as something that they can do things with, why would you expect your partner to feel that way about you? I

Ryan: think very wise words of wisdom because I do counsel a lot of partners in the diet plans and sometimes either one says, My wife or my husband doesn't have, have time for me.

They're busy with this club and that club. And I think I've got a word of wisdom from you today, which is let your husband or wife do that and let them come back and share with you that, because that's also starting a communication. And I think just showing interest allows your spouse to, I think, have that freedom to go out and experience another level of thinking or experience without you, but come back and share it with you.

And that's where. Correct me if I'm wrong, bonds of intimacy can be forged.

Seema: That is where bonds of intimacy are forged because it's where you're now sitting and chatting to each other. And that is where your intimacy actually begins, where there is a desire to sit together and talk. The Kama Sutra actually says that the very first thing that you should do before you start, you know, like most people when they start, when they say, okay, let's have sex, they will go straight into, you kiss, then you have a short foreplay, and then it's penetration.

Your head is still. With whatever you were doing at office or whatever you were doing with the other person who you met before that or whatever The first thing according to the Kama Sutra before you start anything is You have a conversation. You're supposed to tell each other either naughty stories or gossipy stories.

Anything that basically makes you forget the outside world and go, No, did that really happen? You know, that kind of reaction. It says you need to do that because that brings you into the present with each other. You've got to start from being present.

Ryan: Now I get why my wife likes to tell me stories about what happens in the building and which neighbor did what in whose garden.

And I'm like. Like I could be careless about some, but now it's like, okay, yeah, so I'm going to start gossiping more with my wife courtesy of Seema. That's the best advice I got.

Seema: Yeah, I think it's a brilliant form of foreplay because yes, you know, maybe like maybe my husband is telling me about somebody that he met and it isn't really of interest to me in the general sphere of things.

When we've decided that we want to be with each other, you cannot jump into it by kissing. You've got to shift the brain. You've got to shift yourself mentally into that space. It makes sense. You start by conversing with each other. You start by telling each other things that you thought were interesting or funny or naughty or whatever.

You, you cannot literally, I mean, it's like saying, okay, I am in the UK, you're in India, beam me up, Scotty. I'm going to be there with you in one second. No, there is a flight that I have to take before I get there.

Ryan: So talking about gossip, on one hand, I think it's healthy and especially when I'm going to gossip with my wife or my friends and then take it back again to my spouse.

But there's another part which is people today find very intriguing and it is cheating. Now whether it is cheating at the mental level or at the physical level what drives people and the pleasure that they get behind it and what's your opinion on. the acceptance of this, the cheating. So it could be just in the brain or it could be really happening.

Seema: I think cheating is again, it's like saying how long is a piece of string? What exactly is cheating? And particularly in today's day and age. So there was a time when I know when I was in college, it was the, the set thing was, but so long as you didn't have sex with the other person. You have not cheated.

And I remember one of the things I always thought was very funny, this thing. No, but I only cheated a little bit. Like, what does that mean? I only cheated a little bit. You know, either cheated or not. But, different people have different ideas. So, we have stories from our ancient past, the folk stories, where it talks about the woman thinking of another man.

Like, she sees him and looking at him was adulterous. And hence, her chastity is gone and we have these horrible stories of how her chastity goes and then this is done to her and that is done to her. So, thinking of somebody, is that cheating? Flirting with somebody, is that cheating? Looking at other people online who you think are hot.

Is that cheating? A lot of people are like, if it's a celebrity and you're fantasizing about them, that's fine. But if it's an actual person, then that's cheating. I mean, there is just, it's a huge spectrum. And I think that I don't really have I don't really have. a parameter.

Ryan: It's like people asking me, what's your opinion of ghee?

Is it healthy or unhealthy? And I'm like, I got to think about this question in the bio individuality of the context of the person first.

Seema: Absolutely. So whether or not somebody is cheating, I think is very dependent on not only your partner, whether you think that was cheating, but also the phase that as a partner, I'm going through.

You know, there are some days when we might be at a party and I find that my husband is chatting to somebody and you know, somebody that is definitely having a conversation, which is beyond just the basic, hello, how are you, and is the pressure cooker working you know, if it's more than that, and there are times when I might smile and think, Oh, it's so nice that he's having that conversation with somebody because now he's going to be coming back to me with that aroused mindset and that's going to be nice for us.

There are other days when I might be going through really shit time. And I see him doing that and I'm like, bastard, how dare he, you know, it's so, it's so dependent on so many factors. So that's one thing, but to come back to the excitement of cheating. So, you know, the, the problem is we read a lot of philosophy.

on the side of soda cans. So it's one sentence. Now, people have been told that monogamy is not natural in human beings. They haven't been explained about this, but yes, we've just been told monogamy is not natural. What exactly does that mean? It means that as a human being, no matter how much in love with my partner I am, I am going to find all manner of people Exciting, attractive, arousing, through the rest of my life.

It doesn't mean that I have to go and have sex with them. It doesn't mean that I have to go and kiss them. It doesn't mean that I have to do anything more about it. But to accept and acknowledge that, yes, as a human being, I am going to find other people attractive. That, to me, Monogamy means that yes, human beings are not monogamous by nature, but a lot of people have taken that as gospel.

Oh, monogamy means that we're supposed to be out there spreading our seed or welcoming people into our bodies at any point. You know, that's literally how people will put it across. There's almost this thing about saying Oh, well, this is natural anyway. So I should be doing this. The second thing is that all relationships go through a slight plateau, sometimes a huge plateau.

And. We are not taught. We do not go into relationships with relationship advice. We are not taught that you will go through a plateau and you have to work at keeping it good. So our initial reaction is, okay, this has obviously died. Now, I find somebody else attractive. We're also told that chemistry is where you first look at somebody and then you suddenly feel super aroused by them.

I keep saying the first thing we need to do is change our definition of words. Yes, chemistry is where you look at somebody and feel super aroused, but chemistry can also be something that you work on to get that back with your partner. Chemistry can also mean that it is that slow access of pleasure where you look at somebody and think, yeah, I Actually, I do like you and this is going to be really enjoyable and I'm going to enjoy lying in your arms and feeling your body against mine because I like the feeling of your body against mine.

But no, we've only been taught that chemistry means instant arousal. So, we have unfortunately we've created a vocabulary that leads us to behave in a certain way because when you have vocabulary, You start to talk about it. When you start to talk about something, you put it into stories. When you have stories, that becomes your role model.

So we're just telling the wrong stories. The other problem, of course, is that there's always the excitement of something forbidden. There's always that excitement, you know, of seeing somebody and getting excited and thinking, ooh, wouldn't it be fun? A lot of people also, it is an opportunistic thing. So a lot of people travel now for work or whatever, you're out somewhere, somebody else is flirting with you, and it's just sort of the opportunity of the moment.

You know, so there's a lot of reasons why people cheat and this is why we come back to this idea that if you can actually create an extremely mutually pleasurable. Stable, intimate life. Your relationship does become stable. You have a better chance of a stable relationship when you create mutually pleasurable intimacy.

And this is why, you know, you asked at the beginning, why did I go to the Kama Sutra? The Kama Sutra is just literally one text out of many thousands. It's just that the best known text and hence We refer to all the other Kama Shastras, all the other erotic texts as the Kama Sutra, because people understand that particular term.

They know exactly what I'm talking about, they know where I'm coming from. But literally Ryan, every single king, whoever came to the throne of his own kingdom, would have a copy of the Kama Sutra commissioned. Because the idea of mutual intimacy, mutually pleasurable intimacy, was so important for all relationships.

Ryan: Speaking of relationships, I think many kids today might go out and buy the Kama Sutra. We're talking about kids between the ages of 18 and, let's say, 25. They're going to college, first time going to college. Do they have a girlfriend? Do they have a boyfriend? Many of us will not have a girlfriend or boyfriend.

Many of us will not get intimate in college. And we'd envy our peers who have the relationships with a girlfriend or a boyfriend. And I know because I counsel a lot of pediatric cases for sports nutrition, young adults, 18 to 25, who are I call them as horny sports players, both men and women. And I get this question and sometimes I turn pink behind the years, like, and some of them have been with me for eight or nine years and they address me as uncle Ryan.

So they will ask me, uncle Ryan. Everyone talks about masturbation for sports athletes and that if we masturbate, then we're going to lose all our power. Now my, my answer is I haven't found no scientific textbook that says that the release of an orgasm lowers the potential, except one that says if it's done half an hour before the race, the vasodilation that happens in your blood vessels for you to pick up speed in half an hour is going to be a little bit difficult.

From your book, The Art of Seduction, from your wisdom as a goddess in sexual well being, and you talk about it. Masturbation. Clear the air for everyone out there, including my 11, 12 year old son, who I am feeling very embarrassed to start the conversation about birds and bees. What is healthy masturbation?

How much should a guy do and how much should a girl do? And what's the upper limit and what's the lower limit?

Seema: So again, this is like, saying how long is a piece of string? Because everybody's different, everybody's needs are different. So we generally say that the litmus test is, or you know, the bar is, that if it's, if you're masturbating so much that it's actually stopping you.

from functioning in your regular life, that is too much. Okay, so if it's actually impeding your ability to live a healthy, normal life, that is too much. When we talk about too little, again, it's the same thing. If it is impeding your ability to think about anything else, except the fact that you really want to do this, but you're not going to do it because it's not healthy for you.

Oh my God, I can't do it. Then that is definitely The other end of the spectrum. I'll give you an

Ryan: example. We give a lot of people these exercise variables, right? And we tell them to check their resting heart rate, how many steps they do. And it actually brings a lot of anxiety to them that, you know, they're tracking.

So I am laughing because, yeah, I think you're absolutely right. You can't put a number to it.

Seema: You can't. You can't say this is how much is right or not. I think that, okay. The first thing is that if you have a healthy attitude to masturbation, which says, I enjoy it, I like it, I'm doing this because it's something that I really want to do.

You will then do it in a particularly healthy way. You will you know, and we try and explain this to guys because women get this more easily. Also because the way the woman's body is made, we need a slightly different geography. For our masturbation, you cannot go into a little corner of the loo and just sort of jerk off, you know, as a, as somebody with a vagina, you need to be lying down, you need to, most of the time, or at least sitting down, being more comfortable.

You need a different body.

Ryan: Ambience, basically.

Seema: Yeah, well, you need a different body posture and we always say, well, if you're doing that for yourself, then create the ambience. Make it something beautiful because you have to shift the minds mindset from this is a bad, sinful thing to it's something I enjoy and it's good for me.

So I'd like to say the same thing for guys. Don't do it with a death grip. Do it with different ways. You know, like, explore different ways of masturbating because if you do it with that like You destroy your chances of a healthy sex life because your partner is not going to have a

Ryan: concrete

Seema: vagina.

Yeah, it's, yeah, I mean Like that word,

Ryan: concrete vagina.

Seema: It's going to be, it's flesh and blood. It's going to expand and contract. It's going to have variations on a daily basis. So, you need to also understand that part of this is your responsibility. It's how you deal with it. I think also a lot of people who propagate this nofap and get very holier than thou about it.

I had to Google

Ryan: up this word by the way, I, I'm, I'm, I'm of the old school. So your, your question came up to me and it's like, fab. I'm like, my son goes to Frank Anthony public school. I'm like, that's not that fab. And I said, go ahead and Google it up. And I was like. Oh, abstinence. That's the, that's the slang word.

Yeah. So for those who are listening into my podcast, Seema's talking about FAP, which means abstinence. Go on. So what's the thing about FAP?

Seema: So, okay. So traditionally no FAP was started as a movement that said, do not masturbate to porn. That was the origins of FAP. It has shifted from there. Like I said, we are so full of misinformation.

So it's become don't masturbate at all. For some people, it's come to mean celibacy altogether. I mean, it's all sorts of nonsense. It's, you know, come into that definition. Now, the idea is that if you do not masturbate, but Sex is okay. Sex is fine. Go ahead and have sex with your partner, but don't masturbate.

The idea is that, why do you feel that releasing or ejaculating into a partner's sexual organ is fine, but releasing and ejaculating into not another sexual organ is any different. A release is a release. Okay. And to my mind and to my belief system and of course the Kama Sutra, there is absolutely nothing wrong with masturbation.

As a matter of fact, it's a very healthy thing. For every individual. I know that there are, I've heard one particular doctor, somebody sent me his reel saying that there are no studies anywhere in the world, there's no medical books that say that masturbation is healthy for you, that is incorrect.

There are actually studies out there and I don't even have to come back and mention which studies, all you need to do is Google. Say medical studies saying masturbation is healthy, you will find any number of studies that have been done on it.

Ryan: In fact I'll add my two bits of wisdom to this for all our audience.

They talk about men who get prostate cancer or prostate enlargement post their 50s, 55s. And I work with a lot of, a lot of men who want to do body transformations as they go into their 40s, 50s. And one thing is I look for the prostate antigen test. And if it's if it flares up, it means you're going to have an enlarged prostate over the next 10, 15, 20 years.

And there was this one study that said that men who had who had ejaculations. What was the number? I think 15 to 20 times per month had a lesser incidence of a prostate enlargement. So my prescription, and I remember putting this out there telling men who are married. Get your wife to give you an ejaculation at least every 15 to 20 days and a lot of men, especially my friends, share that with their wives.

But there was a medical backing to that and you make valuable wisdom over here saying that ejaculating into your body versus not into a body is the same thing. There is a release. But if you take it to the prostate level, the ejaculation, the semen production and its storage at the prostate level all come around saying that, I would say as Ryan Fernando, that if you have a partner, your job is to get The, the brain working, intimacy to happen and have that many number of times of intimacy with your spouse or without your spouse, it, there is a benefit from a medical point of view.

Now, disclaimer, caution for anyone who's watching this video, it doesn't mean that Ryan Fernando said you need to jack off three times a day for the next 365 days. That's not what I meant. 15 to 20 times a month was what the study said. So men, go figure, woo your wives with chocolate, candy, cake, gossip with them.

And for all the all the wives who are too tired at this point, tell your husbands there's always their hand that they can jack off with. Seema, back to you at this part now.

Seema: Actually, you know what? This is the other thing. I think that we really need to redefine. The word sex. Like, we think of sex as only penetration.

There's so much more to it. You know, think of all forms of intimacy as penetration. And suddenly, or as sex, sorry. Think of all forms of intimacy as sex. And suddenly you'll find that you're so much more comfortable because you can actually, I don't know, lie down naked with each other and cuddle. And that could be your sexual encounter for the day.

You know? Or, you know, let your partner have their masturbation time, they felt their pleasure, they felt their satisfaction, then come and lie down with each other. And then you have your post coital chat time. You know, so you're telling each other the stories, but you're still being really intimate, and you're still being together.

The pleasure has been taken care of. I just think that there are so many different ways. I mean, be creative when it comes to your pleasure life. Don't be sort of stuck in this one little, I, you know, I always say pen, penetration is really not everything it's cracked up to be. For both people, and I think the other thing I really, really want to put out is that everything is not about orgasm.

Do you know, I've been working with a few people who either produce porn or work in porn or perform in porn. And you know, most of them are senior academics, somebody who is teaching at the University of New South Wales, somebody teaching at Harvard, etc. So, I'm talking about senior academics, but also porn performers.

And I just, you know, somebody recently told, one of them recently told me that the newest strand, the newest trend in porn, the, you know, when we talk about ethical porn, which is being made not from the male gaze is that they're making this without orgasms. So normally when you have pornography, the money shot is that moment when the, you know, the person with the vagina squirts or the guy, the person with the penis ejaculates everywhere and you know this huge big sort of fountain of stuff comes out and they're saying we need to put less pressure on people.

Because it's now become our education system, pornography. So they're actually trying to create porn without orgasms. So that you can show the pleasure, you can show the excitement, you can show everything else, but it doesn't always have to end with an orgasm.

Ryan: Speaking of orgasms, you've said this point, how you move is how you age.

Can you elaborate on how movement impacts Not just the physical health, but also the emotional and the sexual health.

Seema: As you know that as we get older, we lose muscle mass. We lose bone density. And it is extremely important that we understand that and realize that. Because the moment you start losing that, it, it impacts your mobility.

And the moment it impacts your mobility. Your body becomes full of problems. When you stop moving, your gut stops functioning properly, so you've got constipation. Which means that your brain, your eyes, your body is blocked up. Your knees start to hurt. Your hip starts to hurt. You're now limping along.

You're slouching. I mean, there's a million things. Now, if you are in that, in that state of physical disrepair, Tell me how you think that is going to impact your mind, your body and your soul.

Ryan: And we said earlier that sex is, is, is involves work, right? So if you add the word workout also, and I think we have this false notion that sex is only penetration, but it could involve a lot of foreplay, just interacting with each other, massaging, cuddling, all of those things.

And I think to do all of those things, you need to move.

Seema: You need to, I mean, Like I was saying earlier that your pleasure life, your intimate life is very, very dependent on your communication with each other, how you feel about each other. And. Even the fact that, you know, let's say, for instance, what are the things that I enjoy doing?

I want to go out and I want to go out for walks. I want to go out shopping. I'm an absolute shopaholic. I love my shopping. I come back feeling so happy. I mean, that's my orgasm on its own. I want to go out and meet friends. I want to go out to the theater. I want to be able to do stuff. If I cannot.

My mobility decreases to the point that I cannot walk down to the end of the road, jump on the tube, go into central London, do whatever I want to, come back, or Christmas lights are now up around central London. It's so delightful. You go over there, you walk around, you see the lights, you get a nice hot drink.

Those are all parts of the joy of life. They make you joyous as a person. It's only when you are joyous, when you're happy, is that going to filter down into every other part of your life. Everything, everything, literally comes down to your mobility.

Ryan: That's so true. You know, Seema, I had this one couple who were in their late 50s, and they were both, I would call them fitness inclined, fitness freaks.

They'd hike together, yoga together, and I always when I do the entire health and wellness, I ask them you know, I, I go straight and said, bedroom departments, any complaint. So they looked at each other and they said, absolutely no complaints. We we just want to know how we can have more orgasms.

So I was like okay, research has shown that if arginine, which is one of the amino acids. is better in your diet and antioxidants, your purples, especially the resveratrols, the anthocyanins, if they're higher the big O is a little bit higher and more beneficial. And I just casually asked like, like how many, like, Oh, we have like about 30 or 40, the woman said per session.

And I was like, okay, noted. I had to keep a straight face. And the guy's like, yeah, I can go two, three times a night. And then I realized that they looked like a 40 year old couple. And the reason behind that is muscle is the only age reversible organ. And so when people start getting fitter. And I, there was this research that couples should not work out together because they tend to compare or slow down or impede.

Like if I work out my wife, I'm, I'm, I'm too, I'm too concerned that she might have an issue with the muscle or she's competing with me or whatever it is. And there was a Singapore study says that couples should not work out together, but in terms of walking. and yoga, I highly advise couples to work out together.

So that I think brings in this movement and blood circulation just gets better with better oxygenation. So, you tend to get in the mood better. In fact, Dr. Seema, testosterone both in men and women actually improve with better breath work. So those who don't exercise should, should actually try and get more couple time together, because if you do get some movement.

which is the getting into bed and having some sex. You get more oxygen, panting, you bathe yourselves, you vasodilate, your brain gets fired up. And on the other hand, if you do have a chance to work out, just leave a little bit in the workout left. Like I see a lot of couples, and I say especially women, they go Do the pedal, do the metal in your workouts.

I tell all women, leave a little bit in the tank to come back at home and have your bedroom Pilates class also. And that is where, you know, you, you tend to have this movement revolution in, in couples. And I think. As you said earlier, and as I said earlier, it's tough to have sex. It is a workout. It's in its own right.

Now I want to ask you I went to my friend who was getting married recently, and then he wanted to do the Viagra and I forgot to ask you this question, which was for a lot of women, they do get married and it's the first time of an experience with. their new new husband and for them obviously the body may not be ready as yet and it's painful penetration is painful i know you've defined it as three six nine but what's Advice would you give to women to get prepared in terms of their first encounters?

Seema: So I think that if your pelvic floor muscles are nice and strong, exercise is really, really important because when your pelvic floor muscles are stronger, you're able to control your body better. Basically, I think that to understand that there will be certain positions. So you have to learn how to adjust your body to make sure that you get past the pain points because it is painful.

Understand that using lubrication lubricant, a good lubricant lubricant is extremely important. And not just a little bit, not just, Oh, let me just, I mean. Really go for it. Lots of lubricant. It is absolutely essential because like I said, no matter how aroused or excited you get, the moment you feel the pain.

It's a, it's a natural reaction. The brain says, Oops, something is wrong. You dry up immediately. Yeah, you clench, you dry up. I think it is extremely important also to understand that the initial bit of penetration, if it's really, really painful getting past that bend, get it just to there. Make it shallow.

There's lots of thrusting Sutra talks about, which are only about shallow thrusting. Absolutely. Okay. Use your fingers, you know, put your fingers inside. You put two fingers, nicely chopped up nail chopped off nails, making sure that there's nothing there that could hurt you. Put lube, put your fingers inside and just get used to the idea of.

something going inside. And a lot of women will tell you that when they put their fingers in, they're fine. It doesn't hurt. But when the penis goes in, it hurts. It's just because when you're putting your fingers in, you're on your own and you adjust your body according to what is needed. When you're with a partner, you think it has to be done a certain way.

Just learn that it's the same idea about adjusting your body to get to that point. And it's about relaxing the brain. So You know, a lot of people tense up when, when it's something hurts, you tense up and then you become even tighter. So, Anvita, Dr. Anvita Madan Behl, who's a relational and psychosexual therapist that I work with, she always says that when you find that penetration is a problem and you're breathing through it, actually do your breathing techniques.

You should always try the penetration when you breathe out. So a lot of people have this thing about deep breath. No, no, no. It's when you're breathing out because at that point the body automatically relaxes. And finally, I know a lot of people do Kegel exercises to make sure that their perineum, the muscles down there are nice and firm because the perineum does become lazy over time.

I think it's really important that You know, with the Kegel exercises or with the pelvic floor exercises, you'd say, okay, tighten it so that it feels like you're taking the lift up to the first floor, second floor, third floor. That's fine. People do that bit, but you also have to learn how to then bring it down, bring it down, learn how to untighten it to the fourth floor, third floor, go down to the basement.

where you totally let it go. So it's not just about tightening. It's also about understanding how that muscle moves.

Ryan: Amazing advice, Seema. I'd like to call you Dr. Seema right now. And it's, it's like you do really tell amazing stories. A few more questions because this is even a learning for me, for me as a health coach.

And I'm actually going to go back to my team and say splice this part and keep it ready. So when a couple is counseling, I'm like, okay, this part, what Seema said, we've got to play it to them because Seema, I get a lot of people. especially women clients nowadays who are coming in because for various reasons, a lot of women are hitting maybe perimenopause earlier.

It's the stress, it's the chemicals in our food chain. It's the. Click culture of WhatsApp that is causing this artificial stress, which maybe a hundred years ago did not exist. Women didn't have that sort of stress. They had a stress of, will they have a meal to provide the family? How to cook the meal or take care of the kids?

So it's changed a lot. So those struggling with low libido or sex drive or they have intimacy challenges, where can they start somewhere on their journey? For example, if I have a breathing problem, I, I first acknowledged that I've got a blocked nose today, so I need to take care of my blocked nose. So what is it that I need to do?

So I'll write down five, six things. I'll go and check Google, find out what is your guidance as a person who deals with sexual wellness and what do you advise both men and women on this low libido issue?

Seema: Okay. Okay. So we come into our adult lives with decades, no, generations. Hundreds of years of DNA memory, which has told us that sex is a bad thing.

So we come into our understanding of our adult life with, with this background information saying this is a bad thing, this is a sin, this is the original sin that you should feel guilty about it, etc. So we're already predisposed to feeling weird about sex. Okay, we've been told over and over again that this is bad, this is horrible, you shouldn't be doing it, and then you get married, and you have an official partner, and then overnight you're supposed to change how you feel, and that's not an easy transition to make.

So, there is already a predisposition to the problems around sex. And like I said, hence, the only time that it feels exciting is when it is under the you know, the, the non valid section. So cheating or doing this, you know, on the sly because that's what's actually lifting up your your adrenaline, this idea of doing something forbidden.

So we already have This issue that we come in with. I think, like you said, if you have a breathing issue, you have to first say that you have a breathing issue. If you find that there is a problem with the way that you're facing sex, you need to be able to acknowledge that. A lot of people I know will not actually acknowledge that.

They'll say, nahi, it's nothing like that, it's just that I'm really tired. I understand that people get tired and I understand that when you're tired that's definitely not what you want to be doing is having sex but it isn't the whole truth because I've discovered that when I really like something And something gives me pleasure.

I will find a way to do it.

Ryan: So even if you're tired, you'll go shopping.

Seema: Yeah. When I go shopping, when I'm not tired, I'd be like, okay, today I'm exhausted and the weather is really bad. Okay. I'm going first thing in the morning or one of my favorite things at home is to watch. I love watching old murder mysteries, you know, not the new ones, but the old style, the murder she wrote kind of thing.

I will sometimes go to bed really late and I will put it on before I go to bed and then find that I'm falling asleep, I'm not going to be able to enjoy it, so I'll turn it off, but with the proviso in my head that I'm coming back to it tomorrow, when I'm feeling full of energy, okay, I want people to be thinking like that about their intimacy, like, I want to come back to it when I'm feeling energetic, not like, Okay, I'm really tired.

Let me just make an excuse. Tomorrow I'll think of another excuse. So we first have to figure out that, okay, there's an issue. The second thing is that And it was clearly not pleasurable, hence you don't want it now. Because if something was good, there is a desire to come back to it. And this is why I always say, figure out for yourself what would make it pleasurable for you.

Figure out, because only you can decide what will make it pleasurable for you. Your partner can't. Figure out for yourself what will make it pleasurable for you, and then incorporate that?

Ryan: I think, I think what you're saying is so true, you know, you have to decide for yourself. And if I can divide that into two parts, one part is discovering yourself and your sexuality.

And the other part is libido linked. And the other part is the libido linked to your energy levels. So Seema, I've had cases in the clinic where I actually call for a diagnostic test. And it's very interesting. Okay. 60 percent of the Indian population, the Indian race, especially the women are anemic.

which means your hemoglobin is low. One of the classical symptoms of low hemoglobin is constant fatigue and headaches. Now while sex requires, or having a higher sex drive, or just having an interest, which is libido, to get aroused, requires, I would say, keeping energy aside for, the human reptilian brain will say, I don't have the necessary calories, sorry, sorry, not, not calories, energy.

So systems like low vitamin D are linked to testosterone and hormonal production. Vitamin B12, your sugar and energy metabolism, including insomnia is driven by vitamin B6, So when people sleep lesser, there's a research paper that talks about. SWS sleep, deep sine wave sleep, releases stem cells which help the body recover.

So here comes a function where on one side, you're kind of questioning your sexuality, but on the other side, you're actually physiologically completely a wreck. And so you've got nothing wrong psychologically with you, but everything wrong with you physiologically because today's generation. are eating outside food all the time, chemically driven food, pesticide laden food, erratic food eating habits, higher stress levels, so they're clicking a button on e commerce to order foods that have higher fat and sugar because the restaurant or the food processing industry is serving food to you that is high sugar and high fat which is causing the arteries down in your genitalia and your brain to get clogged up and so as a result You feel it's a lot of work.

to go down this pathway of getting wet. It's just too much of work. And I think from, from that perspective I'm seeing it more in men, surprisingly, because people come and confess to me at my clinic and testosterone levels are at all time, global low. Testosterone is a driver for libido and for women.

It's the hemoglobin, the iron, the ferritin, and the vitamin D and B12 levels. So for my part, I know it's got to do with biochemistry. From your part, you're talking about the maturity, the cerebral work that a person has to do, and then also knowing your body. Seema, it's been

Seema: Absolutely. Because, sorry, no, just to add that, you know, Some people look at sex as a stress relief and some people say it's when we are totally chilled, we're not tired, when we're not stressed out, that's when we want it.

I think that's also really important for people to understand with what emotion they approach sex. That's part of what makes them either wanted or not wanted. It's added to everything that you just said. I think it's so important It's all linked

Ryan: if I can open up my counseling room and my personal life to you.

It's like this I have another question on the same thing energy levels and all I like to have sex in the morning My wife likes to have sex in the night And many a times it's like the energy levels are completely mismatched. There are a lot of women who love to have sex in the morning and a lot of women who do not want to have sex and a lot of men who do not want to have sex.

How do we combat this timing thing? What would you as a sexual wellness counselor advise me and millions of people who have mismatched timings for their sexual appetite?

Seema: You know, Ryan, this is one of those things that you literally have to work out as a couple, because like you said, so according to the, the karma text, it's not just that somebody who likes it at night is the one who likes it at any time of the night, it says that there are some people who like it in the early sort of the early part of the night, so when evening just is turning into night, it's dusk.

Some of them like it as The night progresses. Some want it even later at night. That's their best sexual energy time. And for some people, they like it in the very early hours of the morning. And I think that this is now something that we cannot really It's kind of difficult with our working lives and our family lives and everything else that we have to do to try and match that together.

I think that the best that we can do is have a sort of system where you do it for each other and you do it at the time that you have. And then when you have your odd holidays and your anniversaries and your honeymoon periods again, That's when you actually fit in with the special timings that you have.

But I just, yeah, unfortunately, I wish I had a better answer to give you for that one.

Ryan: But Seema, those are wise words because I think it again comes down to how a couple would make time for each other and understand the needs of the other person. So I think India, you need to talk to your spouse. You need to ask your spouse.

What is it that he or she wants and Seema's advice is dialogue, have the dialogue, ask. And obviously when you are with a spouse, both of you are working towards a common goal of being married. You know, till death do us part, a lot of us say that and we talk about cheating today, we talk about monogamy, but before you explore any of these things, why not first explore the art of conversation.

And telling the other person what it is that you wish and desire and maybe have tick marks like, you know, I submit a diet plan and I tell a person, okay, this is your nutrition plan and these are your protein, these are your carbs and these are your fat and this is breakfast, lunch, dinner, pre workout, during workout, post workout snack.

And then I ask the client, what's your timetable for Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday? Because accordingly, I'll insert my food according to what you'll be doing. Maybe you could also have this with your spouse saying that okay, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Monday is for gossip.

Tuesday is for something else. Wednesday is for a massage together. Thursday is yoga class together. Friday is putting the kids to bed and going out. for a date night with no sex that you do on Saturday morning because this Saturday is mine and I get sex in the morning and on Saturday night you get everything.

And maybe you're just one of those couples that kind of say, you know what, once a week or once in two weeks is perfectly all right. We are not going for marathons over here. We are not. Sharing scorecards and scoreboards. I think that is something that is giving a lot of anxiety to a lot of couples. And I have one anxiety, which is probably the winding up of my podcast, Seema, with you is I have a 12 year old and there are two parts.

How do we take care of our children in terms of you know, creating safer spaces for children to, to protect them. But on the other hand, parents like me, who are probably quite embarrassed to talk to their children about the birds and the bees and masturbation and developing this art of intimacy.

Now, I think I'm an intimate person, but I have not answered any exam, and my parents have not taught me anything. And I'm kind of like reading up stuff or watching stuff or observing people and then getting snippets of wisdom from people like you Seema. So what do we do? What do we tell our children? I mean, you have beautiful children.

Share with me your polls of wisdom on how we take it with our youngsters and early teenagers.

Seema: Okay. So a couple of tips. One is that at no point, and this is really difficult, but This is very important. At no point do you make a judge y comment around sex and sexuality when you're around them. Because you may be saying to them, There is nothing wrong with this.

It is absolutely wonderful. But if your conversation regularly is, Oh my God! You know, they will pick up on that. And, That is, like, the beginning of the slippery slope. So, you need to always make sure that you're not being judged, which means that they need to feel comfortable knowing that if they needed to ever talk to you, which is unlikely, but if they ever need to talk to you, that you will be on their side, that you will not shut them down, you will not yell at them, that they can trust you when it comes to you.

The second thing I always say is that for me, sex education starts with emotions. You know, you need to tell your kids that you are going to feel certain things. You look at somebody and you might get really excited. And that is going to make you feel uncomfortable. And sometimes, even when, you know, you know it's the wrong thing, it could be an auntie that you've suddenly seen and you might get excited about it.

Just looking at her at a party and then you feel guilty that you've done something like this. That there are emotions. Whatever happens with your body, there are emotions that accompany it. So they understand that they're not weird. That they're not out of the box. Because a lot of young people, a lot of kids particularly, find themselves thinking a certain way about something.

And they drown in the guilt of thinking that what they've done, or what they're thinking, or what they're feeling is wrong. So, understanding that even as they get older, like, you know, that the first time that you have sex, and maybe this is a conversation for slightly later but You know that, yes, this is normal, this would not be normal.

What emotions should you feel? Yes, there's a certain amount of pain, but if you feel like you're absolutely dying, or if somebody is making you feel really horrible about yourself, that is not okay. Do you know what I mean? Like, just understanding, distinguishing emotions. Very important. And particularly the emotion of rejection.

That you will fall for somebody, more than likely they will not want to be with you. It is normal. Everybody goes through that. And I mean everybody several times over. So normalizing emotions is very important. And I think something that we never do and so important teaching your children about boundaries.

We are so guilty about setting boundaries. Boundaries are super important because it's only when you set boundaries and you You learn that it is okay to set boundaries. That's what I actually think is the more important thing. Because most of us, certainly when I grew up, I was not taught that. I felt guilty every time, until date.

I, I set a boundary and I feel really guilty and I think, Oh my God, but so and so is such a nice person, I shouldn't be doing. This has to be across your life, in every aspect of your life. Teach them about setting boundaries because that's what teaches them. when they feel safe during an intimate encounter or not.

And once they can understand if they feel safe it is something that they can actually take forward. Do you know what I mean? Like, we're making them aware of themselves and their own power.

Ryan: That's true. I think in school they don't teach us about our emotions and our play of emotions with people around us.

And then the sexual development of children. I think And I'm at fault over here because up until now I was just thinking about the plumbing, right, the act of sex, explaining the birds and bees. I honestly, till now that you spoke to me, didn't think about the emotional part. I've got, I've got as a dad, I've got to explain this to him.

I've got to figure out how to tell him that the penis goes into the vagina and all of that fertilization happens. And I was just thinking like a pure scientist, but no emotion. And you framed it so beautifully. I'm going to go down and write some notes and figure out how I can have a Sunday conversation with my son.

Seema: And the easiest thing when you're having a conversation, don't sit them down and have like, ooh, a conversation. Do it while you're doing something. Keep it short and unless they've asked a question and you need to respond you know, make it short snippets while you're doing something so you're not eye to eye facing somebody.

You can actually sit back and be doing something and then carry on. So that there's no awkwardness.

Ryan: Awesome. Few quick quick fire questions over here. Okay. And I want some fast answers from you. One thing about the Kama Sutra that would surprise most people.

Seema: That it is not a book about acrobatic positions that every single position has a purpose.

The idea was that for intimacy to be pleasurable, the very first The very first proviso was that the sexual organs should match in size. Because if the sexual organs don't match in size, if the woman is too small, if the man is too big, it's just going to be painful. So that's not going to lead to pleasure.

So the, but before you get together with somebody, you really don't know what the size of their sexual organs is going to be. And so these positions were actually created. to try and synchronize the sizes of the sexual organs.

Ryan: Seema, sexually transmitted diseases in today's modern day landscape, people are going to have different partners.

What are your two worldly advisors of wisdom

Seema: one is of course the condom always use the condom these days You can get super thin condoms. You can feel everything through it. There's going to be no lack of pleasure and Honestly condoms are extremely useful also very sexy because it means that you can have sex at any time that you want And the other is get yourself tested and insist that your partner is also tested.

I know people feel that it's going to be awkward, but remember that this is the rest of your life. And there are a lot of STIs that don't actually show up in symptoms. You can only discover them through testing. Because And there are also STIs that you cannot actually avoid by wearing condoms. You can get them through other ways as well.

The, the reason to get tested and the reason to be protected is that you might still want to be with the other person, but at least this way you can make an informed choice.

Ryan: In fact, my advice to all the youngsters out there is that when you decide to become sexually active with any partner, whatever the experience that you know or do not know about, get tested.

In fact, a lot of people in India turn up at my nutrition clinic without their parents knowledge. And they ask, Mr. Fernando can we bring our partner in for a nutrition counseling session? And can you ask them? For the so called viral blood test, bacterial blood test to determine sexually transmitted diseases and or a genetic test to know that if this is the future Mr.

Right or Mrs. Right. So I think more importantly, if that you're feeling shy. Both of you as a couple could go together to a primary health care facility or your family doctor or the nearest hospital and get yourselves tested. And as Seema said, a condom is probably after the refrigerator, the best invention on the planet ever.

Seema: Definitely. I did a, I reposted somebody's reel recently saying that. One of the thing, one of the five most important things that you should do before you get married is ask to see your partner's tests on this. And some guy wrote to me and said, don't spread bad information. You don't know what kind of problems that can cause.

Buddy, this is the whole point is it can cause problems if you don't know. And then you find out later, this gives you the chance to make an informed decision.

Ryan: So Seema, when you're talking about informed decision, I mean, we do get married, hopefully to one spouse for the rest of our lives. And those that have it, they're extremely lucky.

My parents have been married for over 50 years together. They still bicker and fight and argue. They still call each other love. I've never heard my father, mother call each other by their first name, never ever. So if I got lost in a supermarket, I would never shout mama, papa, I would scream love and both my parents would turn up.

But speaking, speaking of love in today's world, we're getting very transactional. And when a person says. Why are you spreading misinformation? Do you know that we do genetic testing called the DNA nadipatta? And this has got nothing to do with sexual wellness, but your future generations, which is very interesting.

Assume I have five, ten children. I have only one child, but these children are going to get married and I'm a billionaire. Now, the in laws that are coming into my family, I've got all the wealth in the world. Please come join my family. But do I want a future grandchild with diabetes, hypertension? Because of your family's inbreeding in a certain community for centuries, for example, thalassemia, for example, anemia, for example, various other blood clotting diseases, or God forbid, cancer diseases, diabetes now is said to be hereditary.

Where am I going with this conversation? Hopefully people will understand that in addition to sexual compatibility, you also want to understand genetic compatibility and therefore testing saves you eons. of guilt and maybe falling down a black hole is what I call it. And this is something that, you know, people say, no, no, I do want to know.

And my advice to people is you should know exactly like when you drive your car and it's got that fuel tank indicator and your brakes are not working or your oil fuel gauge is going low, it beeps and tells you something. I think when you have relationships, you need to have those. testing points in conversation, testing points in terms of STDs, testing points in terms of working out together and seeing whether each of you is fitness inclined or not and is this person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Seema, if anyone wants to reach out to you and they want to consult with you or just talk to you or invite you to their wedding because you Brought two people together, where can we find you?

Seema: Okay, so, I, of course, am on all the different social media platforms. I will say that I am not available these days for one to one consultations.

But I do try and pick up as many questions as we possibly can between all the different media platforms and try and help out as much as we can. The platforms are all under the name Seema Anand Storytelling. In recent times there have been a lot of Other platforms that have been created, the fake ones in my name.

So somebody calls themselves Seema Anand official and somebody else says Seema Anand telling stories and so on. But and with my photo up there, but it is Seema Anand storytelling.

Ryan: And we will get you that link down below in the description. Thank you so much. And I owe you a shopping trip when I'm in London next, because I'm opening a Quar Nutrition Clinics in London in 2025.

So I'm going to be meeting up with you and we're going to go shopping together. Seema.

Seema: Thank you so much.

Ryan: Thank you for watching this far. It's been an amazing episode and I'm so grateful to have you till the end. If you like this video, please share this video with your loved ones. Better still, gift me a subscribe, a like, or even a comment and we'll come back to you.

What you’ll learn:  

-How ancient Kama Sutra teachings apply to modern life 

-The link between intimacy, self-awareness, and well-being 

-Tips to reignite connection and embrace empowered relationships.

If you’re ready to challenge societal norms, dive into ancient wisdom, and rediscover the essence of connection, this conversation is a must-watch!  

Find Seema here:  

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/seemaanandstorytelling/ 

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@SeemaAnandStoryTelling

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/seemaanandstorytelling  

Buy her book The Arts of Seduction here: https://t.ly/aXnVn  

Download My App - The Waitlist is here - https://tryrfapp.ryanfernando.in/  

Download my APP and get your own Ryan Fernando AI diet plan - https://ryanfernando.onelink.me/MOED/4w59ekgq  

To get a proper balanced nutritional plan, please fill out this form and my team will get in touch with you https://forms.gle/MjSXjUdMEjNFmMgf8  

To get cancer screening or any other disease, click on this link and book your test: https://www.ryanfernando.in/ryan-recommends/nura-health-screening  

Book a blood test - https://www.ryanfernando.in/ryan-recommends/thyrocare-diagnostic-facility

Products to purchase: - 

Collagen - https://www.ryanfernando.in/copy-of-product-page/collagen-powder-(cranberry-flavour)-250g/collagen-powder-(cranberry-flavour)-250g 

1chaze- 

1CHAZE 1500g 👉https://quanutrition.exlyapp.com/1chaze1500?utm_source=RRLP 

1CHAZE 750g 👉https://quanutrition.exlyapp.com/1chaze?utm_source=RRLP 

Books - https://www.ryanfernando.in/product-page  

Socials -  

Link tree: https://linktr.ee/Ryan_SecretNutritionTips 

Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/ryan_nutrition_coach/  

Website: https://www.ryanfernando.in/